Cantankerous Chicanery

First off, go check out my homie Jay Todd over at http://newsman.today.com/ He’s new to this thing, so show him much love. Or complete hatred, whatever floats your boat. He seeks to provide an objective view of the news, and trust me, knowing him perosnally, he’s probably the only credible source of information left. Although when I read his blog, I can’t help picturing some anchor in a lesiure suit with Elvis sideburns narrating the posts to me. Then again, that could just be me and my odd imagination.

Goddamnit if I see one more stupid vegetarian hippie throw blood on someone I’m going to spill blood, and it won’t be fake. They constantly talk about the rights of our liberty to be free or whatever but then they go and invade people’s personal space and spill fake blood on them when they’re out minding their own business or getting in their face and handing them out pamphelts (which are made on paper, mind you).

I’m not a vegetarian, nor do I ever plan to be. Mind you, I actually consider it an ultimately noble idea, but one that just won’t work in practical reality. Yeah, it’d be nice if we didn’t have to kill animals to get dietary sustenance, but it’d also be nice if I could jizz and out came Skittles from my penis. And I doubt that’s gonna happen anytime soon.

First of all, have you ever seen any vegetarians? that’s if you can get past the smell of these commune-living hippies. It’s always some annoying hipster chick with no make-up and funky dreads that talks about how cute and precious the bunnies are. Why is it always the college know-it-alls that profess to follow this lifestyle? Why is never some 30-year-old businesswoman living in Chicago that tries to be a vegan?

To be honest, I doubt half of these kids (because, really, aside from a few burned-out radicals from the 60s that try to cling on to whatever pathetic vestiges of their youth they have left, most vegans are young adults) really beleive in this. It’s just some rebellious fad they go through to try and seem all cool and nonconformist. F’in know-it-alls.

A lot of vegetarisn look really tired and famished too. You can see it in their skin and bone structure; they always have that slightly emaciated look, like someone who took a short vacation in a Holocaust gas chamber. Don’t these retards realize you need to eat all the stuff in the food pyramid (like meat and eggs) to get all your different amino acids? It’d be like if I wore nothing but overalls and wondered why I was cold in the winter. Doofuses.

I’m just too selfish to really give up eating meat. I love it. Love it, love it, love it. Cook me up a stupid cow and I’ll douse BBQ on him and chop him up till the cows go home….onto my plate, that is. Now, that being said, I don’t think we should be spraying cologne on monkeys or putting so much lipstick on a rat it looks like RuPaul with a tail. There is a reasonable limit. I feel we should only really harm animals and kill them (it’s a sad fact but then again so is the most of life) as only absolutely necessary.

We clawed our way to the top of the food chain and we ended up being the most dominant animal around. The rule of Darwinism, folks. As such, we get the right to pick and choose and mangle and devour as we please. You think if I was sstranded in the woods, a group of bears would campaign over my frightened and confused state in the name of, “Human rights”? Hell no. Yogi Bear is coming for my ass and it ain’t the picnic he’s goinng to seak his teeth into.

The animals rights movemnet is so hypocritical. They’re all about saving precious dogs because they can make a cute puppy face. You don’t see any long-haired pinkos at the local barrier coast, protesting how everyone’s fishing. Where’s the uprising rushing to save the catfish from having hooks caught in their mouth (because last time I checked, that seems a tad bit more brutal than keeping a lion in a zoo with shade and food and protection and a stable home where it can lay around all day). I don’t hear a “Save the caterpillars” movement every time one of them gets squished by someone’s foot. If it’s furry they love it; if it has scales or is an insect they could honestly care less about it.

Their line of thinking is really backwards. You’re so against cruelty to animals, yet it’s almost impossible to completely avoid using animal products…or any resources on this Earth, for that matter. It’s funny how they claim to be so in touch with nature yet when they’re hungry they pick a plant out the ground and munch on that. Don’t you realize the pain and suffering you’re causing that plant? Can’t you hear an onion’s cries of anguish? Face the truth: we have to eat something, and we’re equipped with molars and incisors for a reason.

A lot of times animals have it better than we do. Half of the monkeys in the zoos probably revceive more feeding and care than most of our nation’s citizens do. Please tell me, when I see simba napping at 12:00 in the afternoon, how exactly is he suffering or being held down by the man? If anyone’s ever watched the specials on Discovery Channel, you can see the primal kingdom is anything but balanced or peaceful. Lions chasing gazelles, gazelles trying to sucker-punch a wallaby, and an elephant just walking up and saying, “Screw you guys, I’m an elephant, I can just sit on you. Pwned, bitches!” Compared to us, the Serengetti looks like a Scoercese film in fast-forward.

So give me anotehr glass of milk, topped off with an omelette and a hamburger. I love pork chops too much to really consider how Wilbur squeals when he realizes it’s the end. Nopbody loves animals more than I, and I feel there is a spiritual dimension to them and that at times they are more pure and cuddly than people. Yet it if came down to me or a deer starving….sorry, Bambi, my stomach’s a-rumbling, and fortunately you don’t know how to use an oven yet.

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