Cantankerous Chicanery

So what about gun control? You’re probably wondering, “What does The Angry Cynic think about this?” Well, no, more likely, you’re pondering, “What did I have for dinner last night?” as you watch this. Well, just work with me on this and go with it. Anyway, for all my left-wing ranting you’d be suprised at my stance on gun control.

First off, go check out Dr. Faustroll over at http://faustrollwritesthewrongs.today.com/ , as he’s had a funny series going on satirzing the various facets of the second amenmdment. But, when all is said and done, I actually support the second amendment. I am a faithful believer in the Constitution (well, minus how they left out that whole slavery issue), and it’s an amendment in there, and we have to follow that here in America if we want this thing to work.

You can’t just pick and choose which parts of the Constitution you want to follow. It’s a blueprint for our government, for God’s sakes, not a fucking lottery game. It clearly states in simple English (thank God our Founing fathers didn’t write in legalese…could you see that? “It had been unanimously declared that on the eve on the Fourth of July, in such matters where certain legislative bodies have uttered such grievances, up to but not including….”, but I digress), that the citizenry may own firearms in the context of a well-armed militia. And I know you’ve seen a militia in the truest sense of the word, at gun shows with face paint, goofy camoflague gear, and twigs in their hair.

But let’s analyze what this says, shall we? “A well-armed militia”. You gotta consider in those days a “well-armed militia” was nay jagoff that wasn’t drunk and inbred. Nowadays, in the context of the technological revolution and a sufficient military, is a well-armed militia entirely necessary? Not exactly so. Yet it still helps to have one.

Also, check this: People should have a personal right to own handguns if they want to. As long as they are of sound mental capacity and go through a background check and all that, then they should have a legal right to purchase, own, and operate a weapon in times of self-defense. I have a right to defend myself in case shit goes down, basically. Your accountant neighbor next door gets a small handgun, Timothy McVeigh doesn’t. Simple as that.

Look, if a robber breaks into my house, trying to bargain with him won’t work. I could always call the police, but what if they don’t get their in time? Sometimes it takes ages for those incompetent motherfuckers to write me a speeding ticket when they pull me over on the side of the road. You think Barney Fife can whoof down doughnuts fast enough to make it to my house in case an actual, you know, crime happens? Screw that. If a worst-case scenario happens, I’m blowing  arbber’s head off, no questions asked. He is on my property and my life is in immediate danger, and no amount of Democrat lobbying will stop his assualt.

Now, that being said, as I acknowledged, that is a worst-case scenario. And the right-wingers love to toss that out at you when they try to explain why we should be allowed to tow assualt rifles into church. While I support the right of private (and sane and nonviolent) people to have small handguns, I don’t believe the masses should have a right to own AK-47s.

I am against assault weapons and other such combat gear so clunky it would make the Terminator do a spit take. There really is no need to defend yourself against a lowly mugger with slugs that cld pierce even Joan Rivers’ tough plastic hide. To me, that is obviously absurd and overkill (pardon the pun—well, actually, it’s my pun, don’t pardon it, live with it, bitches).

Despite my libertaraian attitude, I’m also not ignorant of the psychology behind guns. I honestly don’t like them, have never held one, and personally wouldn’t put it on my “to-do” list. There is something almost disturbingly empowering and masculine about it. The feeling that a life is in your hands, a death lies in the grip of the trigger, and the overwhelimg and intoxicating rush it gives you. Kinda like being a doctor, without the silly white coat.

Owning guns does seem to change people. It turns human beings more violent and more prone to outbursts. For that reason, I do believe we should have reasonable gun control laws. We should have regulations overseeing who gets them and how they get them. If Congress would stop being so wishy-washy about this issue, we could go to a store to buy them and talk with a sales clerk about them, instead of having to meet Fredo in a back alley at 2 a.m. to purchase some cash shit he just got from Cuba (to Fredo: if you’re reading this, dude, sorry, the feds busted me and I have to enter a plea bargain. Shit happens, bro.)

Over here in the great Port-a-pottie of the U.S. I call southern Louisiana, the legislation is trying to pass a bill to allow weapons onto campus. Great, because I can’t head to my Introduction to Literature class without the fear that aboslute chaos and pandemonium will break out. In the privacy of your own home for protection is one thing, but out in public, espeically at an institution f learning, where many people may hold conflicting viewpoints which each other, I am not cool with. Then again, I always have been eager to let my Math teacher know what I thought about the D he gave me last semester…(Warning: the following was a joke. Satire, not Cho Seung-Hi. We now return you to your irregularly-scheduled diatribe.

Do you know how many hot-headed jocks, sport enthusiasts, and abortion/anti-war/trying to get Angel back on televeision protests there are at my school? One disagreement about the Saints or abortion and boom, someone’s head is rolling like Keith Richards trying to walk down a flight of stairs.

I remember one time I was on my way to class when some obnoxious douchebag (probably some pretentious right-wing half-wait who thinks he knows it all because he’s a Political Science major) stopped me because I was wearing a hammer-and-sickle shirt. He said, “Nice shirt” and asked me if I knew how many people were killed in the Soviet Union. Not particurarly caring to get into a debate with some random guy, I shrugged it off and kept walking. When he continued hassling me, I said, “Do you know how many people the United States military has killed?” he muttered “Better never catch you off campus” and stormed off. I shudder to think how the situation would have been different if he was allowed to bring a gun onto campus.

The bottom line is we should be allowed to store weapons in the santity of our own dwellings, within reasonable limits and with a moderate amount of control. Those in favor of total gun control claim guns are killing people. Not so. It is a simply a method of destruction. People have been killing each other since the beginning of time. If you ban guns (which, same as drugs, you will never be able to do…complete abolishment of guns are impossible), people will start killing eacg other with knives. You ban knives, nobody gets to cut up their steaks and we all starve to death. (Except for vegans, but nobody cares about them.) Great going, McPeacington.

There will always be murder and crime. Look at the root causes instead of looking at the instruments. It if of course silly to say owning a gun will curb these illegal tendencies of criminals…..in fact, it might only just add to the cycle of agression. I say, own a gun (that is, if you want one….keep in mind I’ve written all this, but I don’t own a gun nor do I plan to), only use it when you absolutely have to (and no, getting stuck behind some old lady in the grocery line doesn’t qualify as “absolutely have to”, though I sympathize with you), and basically, at the end of the day, just live and let live.

But then again, you can always….

(That’s right, this whole post lead up to a cheap Paul McCartney reference.)

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