Apr 07 2009
Git-R-Done with his career already
Larry the Cable Guy. I have one question to ask: why?
As in, why in the world is this guy famous? Why do I know of his existance? Why is he plastered all over my screen and featured in every trite and contrived comedy that comes out? Why do some many trailer park denizens slobber over themselves like he’s their fat, inbred messiah?
This comedian, to use that term loosely, is not funny. He bathes himself in cliche catchphrases, vulgar toilet humor, and by exploiting people’s prejudices without a hint of irony or sarcasm. Typically the enterainers who appeal to the baser instincts of the American public shoot into the stratosphere of fame. Demitri Martin scrambles to get a show on Comedy Central; this hack sells out night after night and charges out the ass for tickets. Is there no justice in the universe?
All the hillbillies that identify with him are worshipping a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Keep in mind that as you stare at him with his camoflague hat, goatee, sleevless flannel, and muddy jeans, that he is a millionaire. He is not one of you. Far from it. He probably lives in a nice home somewhere, and I’m sure deep down he loathes his imbecile fanbase. He’s a big con and he’s milking all of you suckers for everything you’re worth. Just because he performs onstage in cowboy boots, doesn’t mean he’s of the working class. It’s a manufactured image. That’s the worst part about him, to me.
And the facade (bonus points to any residents in Alabama or Arkansas who stumbled onto this page through searching for Larry the Cable Guy and know what that word means….well, hell, bonus pints to you for even owning and knowing how to operate a computer) goes even further because he’s not even a real cable guy. His name’s not even Larry! The whole nation is enthralled with a ficional character! How come Superman doesn’t have his own tour across the country? Maybe I should go schedule an appointment with Dr. House next time I strain a muscle. You know how they say don’t quit your day job? Well, maybe Larry the Cable Guy can come insteall a dish network on my TV instead of being on it.
If I hear one more annoying ass redneck say “Git-R-Done” in that god-awful faux southern accent of his, I will get their life done. How come every time a marginally catchy or quasi-hilarious slogan is uttered the unwashed masses jump on it like a porn star tied up naked in the middle of Times Square? They raped Dave Chapelle of all his lines, but at least he was clever and insightful. Not only is Larry the Cable Guy’s routine unfunny, but I have to bear through re-enacments of it EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY.
Comedy is supposed to ease our guard by making us laugh, and within this merriment question what we know and hold up a mirror to ourselves. I’ve always considered the craft of stand-up akin to modern-day philosophy: paid to stand up in front of an audience and riff on the foibles of life. George carlin, Leeny Bruce, these were social critics. Now humor is used to reinforce old stereotypes and racist beliefs. While browsing through Wal-Mart, the white trash among us can find a voice in Larry: “You dang right! Them stupid towelheads!” they will yell while sipping from their beer hats.
If this is who is remembered 50 years from now as the pinnacle of satire, lord help us all.
