Apr 06 2009
Tips on getting chicks
Hello, friends and fiends. It’s your ol’ pal The Angry Cynic (TM) back with another adittion of some Cantankerous Chicanery. Ya know, I consider myself something of a Renaissance Man and an expert on all things. Like one time this dude was sitting next to me in my English class and he asked me, “Did the teacher say we have a test in here Thursday?” and I was all like, “Uh, yeah, I think he did.” See? I’m your personal sage for free.
With that in mind, I thought I’d share some wisdom I’ve gained over the years when it comes to that frightening realm of life so horrifying not even The Twilight Zone would explore it. Yes, that’s right….dating. Because chances are, if you’re taking the time out of your day to read this blog, you probably don’t have a girlfriend. And no, that blow-up doll doesn’t count.
So let’s check out The Angry Cynic’s “Tips On Getting Chicks”. (I’m not going to bother to do a version on how to pick up guys becuae, le’s face it, women really don’t need help in that categry. Not to mention most females interested in the Internet are either fat, ugly Naruto fans or raging dykes with funky dreadlocks. Ooooh, is the hate mail gonna pour in for that one….)
-Invite her over for a study session if you’re in college. This signals to her you are a studious, intellectual type. Women just love a man that uses his brain. Make it sound like something innocent, such as exchanging notes over an upcoming History exam. Set this up in the library or a coffeeshop if you have to. For added points, dress in a tweed jacket and wear thick-rimmed glasses. This has worked countless times for me, no matter what the restraining order may imply.
I don’t know what ya heard about me, but I’m a motherfuckin’ p-i-m-p…..
-Buy her things if you happen to get her out on a date. Offer to pay for her drinks or popcorn if you’re at the movies. In fact, pay for everything. Buy her a new dress. Women automatically secrete serotonin when you do this, which makes them susceptible to sexual advances. Even if she weakly stammers out, “It’s okay, I can pay for this” or “Really, I got this” or even “Goddamnit, I was going to buy those shoes with m own money” or some other weak shit, fork it over. Even if you have to foreclose your house. In fact, why don’t you just go ahead and throw money at them. This is known as “makin’ it rain”. Rappers have tried this approach with much success.
It has been scientifically verified by researchers in laboratories that women eat this shit up.
-Be sensitive to their feelings. Girlfriends often complain their boyfriends aren’t receptive to their problems or don’t pay attention. As an example, if she says, “My mom called today and she is so annoying. I still have a lot of unresolved issues with her,” make sure to reply “Aww, I’m sorry to hear that, baby,” before you remind to get around to fixing dinner. Or, if she complains about the same co-worker who’s been aggrevating her for the past month, let her know you’re in tune with her emotions by saying, “You want me to go beat that bitche’s ass?” She’ll be yours in no time.
Well, hoped these tips help. If not, there are other angles from which you can operate. You know how to get a hand on some chloroform, right?
