That’s right, with enough work, you too can look like THIS guy!

Greetings, loyal readers (that’s right, all four of you). With Wrestlemania weekend upon us, there is a palatable buzz in the air, and that’s not just Scott Hall’s booze breath. This is the time of the season not just for loving, as the Mamas and Papas made us aware of, but also for the Internet Wrestling Community to make their predictions for the Grandest Stage of ‘Em All and fanasy-book until their hearts’ content. “But Angry Cynic,” I hear you call out in that oh-so-fragile whimper of yours, “how do I get in on this wrestling journalism thing?” Well, ol’ boy, I’m not sure why’d you aspire to become part of the IWC, as I could think of a million other thngs to do with my life, like aspiring to be a mailman or even a potential human sacrifice. But, we (and by we I mean myself and my Mexican sex slave Jorge that I picked up at Home Depot) here at Cantankerous Chicanery believe in equal oppurtunity employment….er, well, freelance speculation. So, without further ado, I’d like to present my guide to How To Be An IWC Writer.

Step 1: Have an computer

Preferabbly one with an Internet connection. This is kind of important. If not, just break into your neighbor’s house and use his computer. If he happens to walk in and object, explain the situation. I’m sure he’ll be all cool with it and shit.

Step 2: Come up with a cute nickname

Something like “Hardcore Huey” or “The Luchador” is acceptable. After all, we are dealing with professional wrestling, where no pseudonym or nom de geurre is too ridiculous. Your readers will obviously still have Monday Night RAW or TNA Impact fresh in their minds, and expect nothing less than a colorful pen name. Obviously becuase you write a semi-monthly column about the importance of ring ropes to a promotion, you are on the level of a Triple H or Stone Cold.

Step 3: Pick a random wrestler or promotion to hate

Without question, this is most likely the fundamentally most important detail of a member of the IWC. Just go ahead and pick names out of a hat….your antipathy towards a certain performer or company doesn’t actually have to make sense or be based on credible logic. Once you’ve selected a random scrapegoat, heap loads of scorn upon him/her/it, scrutinizing their every step. If they are successful or acheieve something noteworthy or actually have a good match, write it off as a “fluke” or blame the so-called marks for it. When they fail, slander them endlessly for it. Make sure to connect all problems currently in the business to them. Here’s a quick list of some easy go-to tagets:

1. The Rock
2. John Cena
3. Joanie Laurer
4. TNA
5. The Undertaker
6. The Highlanders

These can either be incredibly over and established main-eventers or random mid-carders that really never bother anybody. Hatred of heels is highly discouraged, although allowed in some cases. Although, once said heel turns face and acheives a modicum of popularity, it is obviously without question your duty to say that they suck and are boring and have absolutely no workrate whatsoever.

Step 4: Constanly namedrop Japapense or ROH wrestlers

You are an IWC writer! The cream of the crop! An enlightened smart fan! You have no time for the chicanery of TNA or the cartoonish circus that is WWE! You demand only the best and the most obscure!

Within your column, be sure to always bemoanh the state of the WWE, even though that’s what your article is based on, and include a YouTube video of a match from some unknown Japanese promoton, acting as if everybody should obviously know where it’s from. Feel free to string together any combination of these names: Mitsawa, Tiger, Thunder Kid, Nagagashi, etc. Even if you’re whiter than Al Gore, it always helps to idolize Japanese athletes.

Or, maybe you’re a proud racist, and the slanty-eyed gooks just aren’t your cup of tea. Well, in that case, you can head on down to ROH, full of vanilla, green, boring technical wrestlers. Some may say while it’s a good promotion it’s a bit dry. Nay, says you, for that person is blinded by the veil of sports entertainment, and doesn’t understand good wrestling matches. Tell them how you remember CM Puk and Samoa Joe before they got big.

Step 5: Always say how intoxicated or high you were last night

This is to let people know that despite the fact that you take time out of your day to analyze a fake sport and keep track of backstage news and opine based of off these facts, you are still a hip and happenin’ dude. Throw in a weed reference and expect the slight chuckles becuase it’s so illegal and badass. During your recaps or news reports, start it off with a “I’m a little drunk right now”, even if by that you mean you were alone in your apartment and slihtly buzzed off of two Zimas while watching Smackdown. Some say this makes you cool, others say it sounds fucking depressing. Tomato, tomatoh.

Step 6: Include random pictures having nothing whatsoever to do with wrestling

See? Instant hilarity and hits!

Step 7: When all else fails, turn to lists

Fuck, I’m so tired of reading lists because the guy isn’t creative and is lazy and can’t come up with anything better. do we really need another “Top 10 Summerslam Matches” or “25 Best Boot Colors” essay? I mean, really, try to actually string together a coherent column with paragraphs and a well-reasoned thesis. *coughcough*

So, with that said, you’re ready to take on the Wrestling Observer in no time! Here’s some other last-minute tips, in case you need them:

• Never shower
• Be fat
• Have absolutely no friends, significant others, or anything resembling a social life
• Develop a posessing need to be belligerent and acquire a superirority complex
• Strive to be seen as a snobby loser who starts pathetic and useless internet “feuds” for no reason other than to draw attention to himself and his site

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