Cantankerous Chicanery

Is that image shocking? Does it offend you? Are you now going to hurl insults of “fag” or “queer” at me for posting that on my blog? Well, go ahead. I am hetereosexual yet I believe gay people should be allowed to marry.

And not this silly “civil union” crap. That term makes me think they’ll show up to their wedding in Confederate-era war outfits. I’m talking about out-and-out marriage: legal rights, living together, a shared income, domestic dispute calls to their house, the whole nine yards.

Homophobia honestly doesn’t make sense to me. Why spew hatred and intolerance for another person’s lifestyle choice? It’s none of your business. They’re not harming anyone. Why does it course so strongly through our veins to get in the way of two people loving each other and just wanting to be happy together? A lot of times homophobes are closet homosexuals themselves and are ashamed of their feelings. Why else do you think they’d devote so much time and energy to opposing it? This is all because our culture has fostered a mentality of orthodox masculinity.

To me, equal treatment for the LGBT community will be the next civil rights case, akin to the anti-segregation marches in the 60s and the feminist movemnt in the 70s. These are human beings too, ones that unlike a lot of people in this nation, are not violent or frothing at the mouth with anger. Why beat up on he gays, for God’s sakes? Is it really that terrifying to think there’ll be another season of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy on TV? Come on, somebody’s gotta act in the local community theater….

Some of the conservative, Christian Coalition leaders out there will dismiss these arguments, saying gay marriage violates the santity of marriage, based on some archaic, out-of-cotext argument in the Bible. I don’t recall the verse where Jesus was all, “Yay, love thy neighbor, unless he is queer, then smite him down, for he is icky.”

Right, because in this day and age of drive-through chapels, it’s there one thing we hold sacred in America, it’s marriage. Never mind that with straight people, divorce is going through the roof. Oh yeah, and there’s the fact that we argue all the time and most relationships are incredibly unhappy. You’re right, we have to preserve the wholesome morality of romantic bonding.

Never mind that most gay couples are loving people who could raise a happy family and be there for each other.

Bottom line: let these damn people marry. While you’re busy ranting and raving against it because you’re a bigoted trogdolyte, the economy is in shambles and we still have troops in Iraq. Let them experience the hardships of paying for the bills and catching each other in affairs and then you can call for a bill to outlaw it. Until then, leave ‘em alone and give them the universal constituional rights we are all guranteed. Hey, remembr, someone’s gotta style your hair and put your blonde streaks in for you.

That was how my ear looked a few weeks ago. As you can imagine, it wasn’t too pleasant, nor was it a sight to behold. I had to cover it up with a band-aid while attending classes.

How does an ear get mangled like that, you ask? Well,in my quest for materialism, I got some ice. You know, those bling earrings? The one on my right ear was constantly too loose and I had to keep screwing it in to tighten it.

I guess it got lodged in my ear as I slept, my slumber-time motions causing it to inch its way into my ear. Fast forward a few days later and I realized the screw that holds it together has actually penetrated my epidermis.

Needless to say, it was a bitch to take out. It felt like I was giving birth out my ear. Right now I’d just like to apologize to my ear. The smooth skin, the almost infant-like skin it is made up of. It’s served me well throughout the years; it hones in when a particularly important piece of information is dropped. It’s helped appreciate musical moments of sublime awe and it generally aids me in figuring out my way ’round this wacky world.

And what do I do? I abuse it. I puncture it, I insert random metal objects in it. I cause it to bleed so I can adorn myself with piercings. Flesh becomes mangled in the name of glitter and beauty.

There are those modern-day moralists who decry the proliferation of tattoos and piercings, who claim it will lead to a downjfall of social mores. I beg to differ. If one goes throughout history, you will see a pattern of people altering their appearance in the name of self-expression. The body becomes a canvas, a work of art in itself.

In ancient societies, and even in some today, body modification was used to signal one’s status in society. It was usually that of a special high-end position. Now it lets us know who blows his paycheck on booze and cigarettes.

But I jest. I think tattoos and piercings are a way to express oneself. When the ink is put to flesh, symbols that we cherish and feel represent us are etched and burned into our skin forever. (Sure, not everyone follows through with this motif—I’m aware of the fair share of truck-stop tricks with roses on their ankles.) We become works of literature, to be read, studied, analyzed, ultimately figured out.

This becomes a method to reach down into our primal selves. We become one with nature, like wild predators or uninhibited animals. Countless African tribes and Samoan cultures considered it a rite of passage. When a young boy received a branding, it was a ritual in which he became a man. Now we simply carry this over to a modern-day technological society. We destroy ourselves to transcend beyond being “human”. Too bad frat boys have hijacked this and consider themselves badass rebels when they get the standard tribal tattoo after downing a bottle of malt liquor. What land are you from, anyway, the white jock counsel?

At the same time, what I gather from filling up the blank slots that are our bodies is a sense of self-hatred. Perhaps these people endure the pain as a way to express how hurt they are. Oftentime, the internal scars we keep with us are too much to bear, so we have to let it come to the surface in a tangible form. It’s a way to reconnect to childhood anguish, to revel in their own moral ugliness and unattractiveness, or perhaps even to brutalize their body and go through excruciating mental anguish just to feel something.

Earrngs become ways in which we signal to others our tolerance for suffering. Talking to gaged enthusiats, I’m often struck by how they mention how apathetic they are to their own organic torture. It shows how tough we are, and conversly how we seek to gain attention, perhaps in the quest to attract a mate. When I had my horseshoe earrings in, they became a source of pride for me: I went from a scrawny bookworm to a heavy metal rocker in the span of a few months. Now that my cartilage is damaged beyond repair and I can’t insert them back in, I feel a sense of shame and loss overcome me. I’ve tried putting them back in, having learned my lesson due to the fates showing their disapproval of me being a chav. It was if a cosmological force greater than myself revealed an omen over me caving in to hip-hop consumerism.

Yet as I make futile attempt after futile attempt, I find the hole has closed up, the surface has healed, only to offer a tiny crimson trickle each time. So, in the interest of my ear not falling off or getting infected, I’ve opted to be bare and naked.

So, I say, dot yourself with as much ink as possible. Even if I find sleeve tattoos to be a bit garrish and ugly, go for it. Make like a Swahilian shaman and go on and shove that bamboo stick through your house. It may be somewhat unacceptable in the office, but I haven’t heard anything about it.

I consider myself a feminist. Despite all my raunchy jokes demeaning women or my complicated past relationships with thoseof the opposite sex, above all I truly feel women are still considered second-class citizens in this day and age.

It’s really sad to hear guys get together in circles and discuss women as if they were trophies or objects to be acquired. To me, that typeof mindframe is demeaning and classless. They are people too—living, breathing human beings that are not to be thoughof as trying to “get with”.

Throughout history, it has always been men to rise to the top. All the famous artists, writers, actors, and philosophers that we admire are males.Even though men posess a bullheaded, violent attitude, a way of looking at the world that more often than not has gotten us in trouble, we still herald the reigns of control.

Oh sure, blatant sexism is a thing of the past.You can no longer shout in a crowd how women are sluts or pinch a co-worker’s butt in the office. But when one thinks of porn stars or strippers, the first image that usually comes to mind are women. That’s not to say the two are evil…I admiteddly am a ocassional conossieur of both. But it stillis kinda sad that women are mainly thought of in regards to these roles and oftentimes use them as a last resort.

However, Iam also tired of counter-sexism. After the feminist revolution of the 60s and 70s (which I am glad to see happen), it got to a point where women insisted they were better than men. I am against sexism in all its forms: whether it’s asserting the speiority of men or women. We are both human beings and there should be a level playing field.

Are there differences between us? Of course. Besides genetalia and bodily features, one can’t deny that men and women have a few differences. But it’s like the differences between basketball and football: miniscule differences within their own ranks, but part of a bigger whole. In fact, I’ve seen some women that are tougher than some weakling men. And keep in mind a lot of stuff like “women are more emotional while men are more statistival” is in a cultural context. It’s learned from society but not inherent.

I don’t feel women should get unfair advantages in society just because they’ve been mistreated in the past. But I don’t think they should be subjected to degrading behavior and objectifgication. Feminazis try to make me feel guilty just cuz I think a model is hot even though I have many female friends that I respect, cherish, and oh yeah, actually pay attention to what they have to say.

In summary: misogyny and chauvinism isan outdated, dumb mindframe. So so is misandry.

On this site I usually joke around and even provide some mildly offensive satire that irreverantly mocks things some people hold dear. Or I may got off on a polemical jeremiad where I stomp someone’s opinions to the ground.

Tonight, however, I actually wanted to talk about an issue near and dear to my heart. That issue, as you can probably guess from the title, is racism. Growing up as a white male in the South, I can tell you firsthand racism is not only still alive but presently prevalent as well.

In the heart of the Bible Belt, I’ve had to endure countless backroom discussions between white people about the looming threat that is “black people”. Every crime reported in the news, every suspicion of the drug trae, gets unfairly leveled at their heads. I’ve just grown sick of it. People can’t lok past miniscule differences in skin pigmentation and see we are all human beings underneath.

It’s flogging a dead horse but it needs to be said. For my sake and for the sake of the world at large. I don’t know why but I’ve always grown up with an acute sense of the awareness of preudice and sympathy for not just black people, but minorities and people of all ethnicities. Even though I grew up in what was admiteddly a subtly bigoted family and a culturally tense and charged climate, I feel a sense of love and indifference for all creatures walking this green Earth.

And it’s not just use of the dreaded n-word or backwards glances when you go to the gas station late at night. I feel a lot of institutions are racist, even unknowingly so. They were set up this way in the Jim Crow era of post-emancipation, and it takes a long time to fix the sins of the past. Couples of color still regularly get denied loans and screwed over on buying houses, for fear that they will taint the precious white man’s neighborhood.

I’ve grown up around them and gotten to know them and they’re not thieves, drug dealers, or criminals. They are honest, unassuming, hard-working people like you and me. When I worked at a national retail chain a few years ago and formed friendships with many of the black people there, I saw (though I already knew) that they too had arguments with their parents, loved their kids, got up for work in the morning, were unsure about the future, and on ocassion liked to get shitfaced on the weekends. My goodness, they seem like…..everyday people!

We often attribute negative characteristics to blacks or Mexicans, unfairly casting them as stupid, violent, or ignorant based not on any empirical or personal evidence but instead of stereotypical assumptions. We let the mainstream form of hip-hop blind to us to how we expect a young black male to conduct himself. People, don’t ever let the media, and especially 50 Cent, guide how you think.

It goes both ways, now. There is a rising tide of counter-racism where black people unfairly trust all white people and even demonize them without probable cause. The tides of rage built up over racism are spilling into current-day society. On BET or Chapelle’s Show, we’re lampooned as stuffy and uncool, assumptions which are completely unfounded in modern-day life. As well, there exists a martyr complex within the black community, claiming to be exploited so they can gain an unfair advantage in the social and business worlds.

Equality means equality. Not white over black or black over white. Can we just stop fighting like children and let go of our barriers? White people live in poverty in Harlem, too. The whole point Martin Luther King was trying to impart on us was to forgive man’s darker past and unite, not erect barriers based on petty hatred and lashing out as a result of feeling victimized.

In conclusion, let me just state for the record that I hate racism. I really do. It’sone of the most disgusting, evil, unenlightened modes of thought that often goes unexplained and is used to justify unfair cultural superiority and at the same time build up people who otherwise have nothing to be proud of in their lives except for their own race. If there any readers out there right now that are racist or supremacist, then click your back button on your broswerand never, EVER visit my site again. Your traffic isn’t welcome here.

For all purposes of clarity, let’s just get this out of the way: I am an atheist. I am not a religious person by any means and I don’t believe in supernatural creatures in the sky that watch over all of us and everything we do, and that love very much us….but they’ll send us to hell if we eat meat on Fridays.

I don’t believe in God. I just simply don’t. I’m not some satantic devil-worshipper. I don’t sacrifice goats and I don’t want to shut down your churches. I just simply can’t wrap my head around belief in some superstitious mythology and the fanatical extremists it seems to inspire.

I don’t believe in Jesus but I don’t believe in the Devil either. All the goofy Goth kids in Iowa walking around in bondage pants and raggedy clohes they got from Hot topic are just as bad to me as any preacher. They give us non-religious a bad name. When you renoucned God and think you’re sticking it your parents by worshipping the devil, you’re still falling into the Christian trap. It’s just classical Western binary thinking, that’s all.

There’s no heaven or hell. There’s only here, this physcial ground, right now. There’s no afterlife, only today. This life. Right now. When you die, that’s it. You rot in the ground and worms eat your body.

Where else would we go, and why? It’d just be an endless, monotonous, boring cycle for eternity. So liberate yourself and live your life, how you want it, not how some old conformist instiution or monarchy tells you to.

AS a little kid, I just never really understood the concept. And everyone around me, perfectly rational and mature adults capable of sound and independent decisions, take the Bible at its word. Never mind that the Bible is full of scenes depicting violence, nudity, bloodshed, cannibalism, and even corprophilia (that’s right, it’s in there, look it up).

As I see it, God doesn’t exist. And don’t give me any of that “miracle” or “signs around us” bullshit. Where is he? Show me him in a physical, tangible form and I’ll believe in him. Would you believe me if I told you there were dragons, even though you never saw them? No. Just like Zeus turned out to be a manifestation of people’s hopes and values, so will Jesus one day be revealed to be a well-intentioned sham.

I rely on science and logic to guide my life, not magic and silly hocus-pocus. No one wants to say it, but religion is just another drug. As Karl Marx put it, it truly is the opiate of the masses. The idea of a highper power out there who cares about their miniscule suffering and will redeem their crappy quality of life gives people hope. If they faced the truth—that we die and it doesn’t matter whether we’re good or bad—–they’d all kill themselves. It’s a nice lie people like to believe.

I’ve seen it at church meetings before….when friends have invited me. Everyopne joins in together and they wrapped up in their own rhetoric. Do you think it’s any coincidence most born-agains are former drug addicts or people in prison? From a psychological standpoint, these are lost and empty people looking to fill up that void with something else. Why not a spiritual high?

Why do we demand the utmost competence in building an airplane or being the President but we accept without question people who think you’re Satan incarnate if you drink caffeine? Show me concrete, valid proof of God’s existance. Not an oil spill that kinda looks like his face or a sudden change of luck or “signs”. I mean in-your-face evidence.

Faith says to go beyond logic and leap into the unknown. Well, that’s precisely the problem. It’s unknown. How are we supposed to trust in smething so blind and unfathomable? It just isn’t rational. They’ve invented this myth of “faith” to make themsevles immune to any sensible criticism. It’s a self-fufilling prophecy, to pardon the pun.

I’m also glad to see Christians and other upstart movements remember their start as persecuted martyrs…..and then turn around and do the persecuting themselves. I thought only God was supposed to judge? Nowadays modern fundamentalist sects seem to only focus on the negative aspects of God….his warth, his ire, and his anger.

They cliam God created Earth. But who created God? Was he just bored one day and was all, “Poof, I’m here. but I’ve got nothing t play witj. Oh, I know, I’ll make a whole universe thingy.” And the accounts of him make him sound like a bipolar schizophrenic. One minute he’s all-loving and all-knowing, the next he’s angry at us for being sinners (even though he’s supposedly all-powerful and could eradicate said faults and created us). Either God’s an alcoholic or a mentaly unstable five-year old.

Of course, the religious out there will read this and dismiss this. I’ve noticed religious people never consider counter-arguments because their way of thinking won’t allow it. They’re simply right, and they dismiss all good points made as ramblings of someone who hasn’t seen the light. It’s amazing how they completely ignore when I point out the holes and contradictions in their logic amd instead rely on the circular logic and biblical “he loves you blah blah blah” biblical rhetoric they’ve been taught.

Pretty much all fanaics have been raised lke that since birth. Think about it….it’s common knowledge in developmental psychology that in its formative years, the mind is susceptible to anything, especially a viewpoint instituted by its main caregivers. If I raised a child since birth to believe elephants are from Mars, you don’t think he wouldn’t beleive me?

I think the Bible was written as a how-to manual. Whoever its creators were, they fabricated the notion of an all-mighty deity who would deal out swift punishment if you didn’t do what he wanted *winkwink*. It’s a way to control people and keep them from fucking too much or killing each other. Man, did that meme ever get out of hand.

The stories in here are moral allegories, not accounts to be taken matter-of-factly or word-for-word. But I guess that’s what happens whenever the unwashed masses get their hands on anything. Have you ever noticed the backwoods hicks that beat their chest about our Lord and Savior are the exact type of people that make you doubt the existance of a just and loving creator?

I’m not saying us nonbelievers are being rounded up into concentration camps. Far from it. A lot of strides have been made and we’re a somewhat tolerant nation nowadays. But I live in the South, and announcing you’re a humanist or don’t go to church on Sundays is like walking around naked with a bull’s-eye painted on your dong. Try telling someone close to you you’re just not into the whole worshipping deal, and they retreat from your company like you have SARS or something.

Far from creating us in his image, I think we created him in our image. Religion is a psychoanalytical manifestation of what we value most in humanity: power, benevolence, knowledge, an ultimate chance at redemption. Do you think it’s any coincidence most pictures of God or Jesus feature a slender Caucaisna man with human features and brown hair? Society creates deities to make sense of the world and explain otherwise chaotic and mysterious origins. It’s a way to avoid freethinking and personal responsibility.

Shit, you assholes come knocking on my door early in the morning shoving pamphlets in my face. I think it’s time for a little payback. How would you like it if I came to your house at noon handing out medical textbooks? Leave me the hell alone already.

Need more proof? In a recent poll, atheists were found to be the least trusted group in America. There has never been an atheist president. All the public access television and paid commercials involve some old preacher with slicked-back grey hair swindling retired grandmas out of their Social Security, all while preaching the Lord’s word. Ever seen a scientist talking about evolution on Sunday morning?

Keep in mind the parale about the wolf in sheep’s clothing. Those who seem outwardly the most holy are rotten to the core on the inside. They will pervert the message of religion for their own gain. As well, I’ve known too many people that go to sermons twice a week and put themselves on a pedestal because of it, yet the rest of the week they’re out having sex and taking drugs and going to clubs and cursing people out and whatnot.

So even though I’m a good person and abide by the law and care about people and overall try to be a good person, I’m, going to Hell, but the guy on death row is saved because he has a “WWJD” bracelet?

Oh yeah, remember Jesus’ message about loving thy neighbor? When did you guys white-out that from the testmanet? Because religion is such a strong ideology, it’s the most frequemnt cause of wars. When’s the last time you saw agnostics and Wiccans fighting over holy land in Vermont or some other place? You’d never hear about Laveyan Satanists and Buddhists bombing each other on the midnight news.

Look, I’m not calling for an end to religion. A lot of left-leaning pinkos get the idea wrong: It’s freedom of religion, not freedom from religion. I don’t think there’s going to be a big coup from the Christian Coalition just because “In God We Trust” is on the dollar bill. I don’t even care that you throw a little prayer to ol’ J-Dizzle at the local football game. But don’t curse me to the underworld just because I don’t sing along in your chorus there. Okay?

I actually think some of my fellow atheists go a bit overboard in antagonizing believers. Like that Richard Hawkins fellow. Chill out, dude. Most of the religious rubes out there can’t even understand half the words he’s saying, let alone mount an intelectual comeback. They are simple salt of the earth, and quite frankly I barely even consider wasting my time on them in terms of destroying their puny little anchor in life that keeps them from hanging themselves.

My basic philosophy is believe what you want to believe. That’s why this country was founded. (And don’t strat on that “America is founded on Christian principles” line, because they left england to escape dogmatic persecution and were, in fact, deists.)If it helps you to get through the day, worship and pray. Sometimes I honestly envy people who have faith, because it keeps them going. Hell, start a cult around a cucumber if you want. But don’t come shove it in my face. You have your roasrie beads, I’ll jerk off to porn and listen to death metal until I pass out, and we respect one another’s differences. Capiche?

If there was a God and he did care about us, why is there so much evil and suffering in the world? And why hasn’t Judgement Day come yet? You believers are going to be like the protagonists in Waiting for Godot: waiting forever for something that will never come. You say he wants to test us. Why would he test us? That seems uncecessary and a bit cruel to me. A good number of people already beleive in him. So Earth is just his personal little twisted playground? This god guy is starting to sound like a bit of a meglomanical prick.

Religion is a lie that warps your mind, traps you in a backwards belief system, and causes you to become judgemental and belligerent and will likely alienate you from your colleagues and friends because it’s intolerant of other viewpoints. Can I get an amen?

Leonard Pitts recently wrote an interesting article calling for the legalization of illicit drugs. Finally, the word is getting out there. For too long, the discourse concerning the black market has been dominated by this outdated, Reaganomics view of “Just say no”. Okay, because when you’re stressed that your wife’s yelling at you or a tweaker has a gun to your head nad makes you fork over money so he can get meth, that strategy should work.

He made a point in his column to say how he never did drugs. Well, I shall tip my hand and admit I’m not exactly a choir boy. I’ve done my fait share of experimenting (which is all I ever really saw it as): cannabis, MDMA, and the ever-present LSD. And after experiencing their effects I can say I’m as fine as ever. They were nice chemicial reactons but ultimately a minor distraction.

In fact, they helped me overcome a lot of my mental problems and got me to open up. I had a lot of spiritual epiphanies on acid trips and because the barriers in my mind were broken down, I feel a bit more wiser and more open. I’m not saying it’s a cure-all panacea, but it’s not the most evil thing ever either.

Keep in mind ecstasy was used in marriage counseling to varying degress of success in the 1960s. And that the goverenment did experiments with blotters on unwitting soldiers when the chemical was first synthesized. So take the government’s message of “Drugs are bad, mmkay” with a grain of salt (or crack, for that matter).

The only reason drugs aren’t legal yet is because there’s so much out there controlled by third parties the government hasn’t found out a way to make money off it by taxing it. If they truly cared about your health and safety, why are cigarettes being sold at gas stations? Pretty son we’ll stop to fuel up and say, “Yeah, I’ll take a lottery ticket and give me a dimebag as well.”

Look, people are always going to get fucked up, okay? The human desire for intoxicaton is as strong as the will to survive or hunger pangs. If you dumped all the cocaine and heroin tommorrow in the sea, people would huff and puff until they felt dizzy enough to fall down and laugh. Sometimes life gets incredibly stressful and a church meeting or simple aerobics won’t do. It’s an ugly truth, but we have to face it: people will want to get intoxicated because of how humdrum and awful life is. Why else would you talk to Marco, the drug dealer with a cleft foot that lives in a roach-infested apartment in the hood? Because he’s your friend and a geuenly nice and interesting person? Don’t think so.

Marijuana is so normalized into everyday life its criminality is a mere formality. In the 60s it was the choice status symbol for rebellious hippies; now it’s devoured by bored kids at house parties. For God’s sakes, there’s a whole section of rock movies and comedies devoted to the wacky weed. It’s no longer an atrcoious “crime” or social taboo; it’s really becme more of a “wink wink nudge nudge” thing. Half-Baked is now sold at Wal-Mart. You don’t see comedies about people that are murderers or watch kiddie porn, now do you?

I’m not indifferent to the pain it does cause. I realize some people struggle with it and it’s obviously not 100% healthy for you. But then again, neither is McDonald’s, and nobody’s standing outside their buildings calling for their foreclosure. There are risks associated with it, and I’m not stupid enough to suggest stuff like smack and speed are safe. But we should set up rehab centers for people that need that sort of help.

It’s all dependent on the user and how weak/strong he or she is. Not everybody is susceptible to falling down the pit. Some people can take it. I’ve seen people take one hit of ganja and say, “Eh, it’s not for me.” Simple as that.

Prohibition obviously isn’t working. The War on Drugs is turning out to have a lot of casulaties on both sides. And on an off-note, what is this “War on Drugs” nonsense? It makes me think they’re running secret ops missions on ecstasy pills or throwing hand grenades at bongs. “Damnit, Charlie’s down! The puirple haze got him! Whyyyyyyy?”

Drugs have been around since the beginning of human time. I’m sure there was ancient man hotboxing in a cave somewhere when one of them said, “Dude, do you ever think the Ice Age will end?” and the other got a panic attack thinking about it. So it’s not even a recent epidemic, like some experts will have you think. Ever since we evolved, we developed highly complex technology and stratified societies, all so we could more fucked much easier. Cannabis and coca plants wouldn’t grow naturally if they weren’t meant to be natural stimulants. It’s in our blood to put stuff into our blood.

Anyway, silliness notwithstanding, it’s been proven if you make sometjing illegal or taboo peple will flock to it. How else could you explain the record sales for Staight Outta Compton? Certainly not for the musical quality. This creates an underground ring where people will be forced to associate with criminals and shady characters and risk getting pulled over by law enforcement. All this so they can enjoy Dark Side of the Moon a bit more.

I’m not one of those college potheads with a marijuana leaf t-shirt that holds up protest signs and thinks I’m sticking it to the Man by calling for drug legalization. Those are armchair protestors. To me, there are far more important issues to take care of rather than getting baked and not exactly remembering where my car keys are. Che Guvera was a freedom fighter; the people running head shops in California aren’t.

I just say “Screw it,” legalize ‘em, wait for the system to jack up the prices, and move on to focus on the atrocious conditions women have to put up with in the Middle East. Prohibition should be ended but it’s not at the top of my social ills list. Cheech and Chong are not political martyrs, people.

We saw how outlawing intoxicants worked in the 1920s. People would simply go to speakeasies to acquire their spirit of choice and socialize amongst one another. You had organized crime smuggle it into the country. Once it was allowed, the use shot down and now it doesn’t have quite the stigma it once did. The same will happen with drugs if you legalize them.

It’s essentially a victimless crime. Yeah, it’s tragic that some junkie is selling off all his clothes to get one more fix. But beyond himself, who’s he really harming? As opposed to the message the mainstream media and conservative critics will have you believe, addicts and drug abusers are not harmful people. They are just like you and me: they have hopes, fears, desires, dreams, strengths and shortcomings. If anything, we should treat this as a disease to be rehabilitated, not a crime.

But that won’t fly in America. We are a nation of retribution, not understanding. We prefer swift and violent action, not a carefully thought-out sympathetic approach. Look, are two stoners sitting in their basement together laughing at Scooby-Doo really that threatening? Why don’t we take some of this money fueling a failing campaign and go after the problems that really matter…..a shitty education system, crime running rampant in the streets, corruption in our hallowed halls of government, and our painful and alienating seperation from one another?

All the people ranting against drug use are the same motherfuckers that get hammered on Bud Light at family get-togethers, smoke three packs a day until their lung shrivels up, need a cup of coffee from Starbucks to get that extra jolt in the morning, drink a tall can of Amp to get an energy boost, take an aspirin when they have a headache, and down a bottle of Nyquil when they’re sick.

I hate to break it to you, but these are all *gasp* drugs. By definition, they alter your thinking and biological responses in one way or another. It’s just the cultural context that makes one acceptable and not the other. Instead of looking at the world in legal lenses and doing what you’re told and blindly beleiving in the system, try actually thinking for yourself for once.

The only difference between Tylenol and tabs is police won’t handcuff you if they find Tylenol in your house. Well, that and Tylenol doesn’t make you get re-acquainted with your asshole ex and listen to crappy techno music all night. On second thought, maybe we should keep e illegal….

This is Albert Hoffman, German scientist and founder of LSD. In addition to discovering the chemical properties of acid, he is also credited as being the first person to “totally see music as waves in the walls, man”.

“The path of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.”-William Blake

It is my sincere and wholehearted belief that when all is said and done, John Morrisn will end up being the breakout star of the WWE in a few years. Everyone has their little picks: CM Punk, Elijah Burke when we has with the company, MVP, even Morrisn’s partner the Miz. But as I look at the youth movement in the wrestling world, only one man stands out to me, and that is the Tuesday Night Delight himself.

Let’s go through the list of traits required for a main-event draw, shall we? First and foremost is, of course, wrestling ability (The Great Khali notwithstanding). Morrison obviously has this covered. He can mat wrestle with the most qualified among them and his size and reach can let him press-slam a cruiserweight with little suspension of disbelief.

As well, what’s often overlooked for a tall guy, he can fly. Who can forget his countless springboard kicks, his corkscrew spalshes? Of course, there’s the infamous moonsault with the ladder at Wrestlemania. What’s interesting to me is John Morrison can wrestle a number of different styles. Whatever the situation or storyline, Morrison can adapt, and you know Vince is always interested in that.

To me, he’s also the better half of the tag team. The Miz just strikes me as an annoying frat boy, the type of dork that still uses the word “rad” and thinks he’s cool because he laughs at his own jokes. Morrison, on the other hand, has the right amont of laid-back, self-deprecating charm to get over. The Miz will get a push and likely be a hit with fans, but he’ll be stuck in midcard purgatory, a perpetual IC champion. On the other, John Morrison has the right amount of charisma and skills to break through to the main event.

I’m not gay by any means but HOLY CRAP is the guy fit. I’m sure there’s a million people out there that would kill to have John Morrison’s physique. I hate to say it, but our culture today, and especially the realm of professional wrestling, is shallow and domnated by apperances. He’s obviously got that in spades.

All too often you’d look at a guy like him that must train like a monster and think he’s just another dumb meathead. Not so. When he gets on the mich, he’s quite literate and obviously isn’t afraid to mock himself and others. It’s refreshing to see a performer who is not only muscular but intelligent and that “gets” the business as well.

It doesn’t just help to be a skilled technician. You have to have charisma, pizzaz, a certain animal magnetism to you. You can do wristlocks all day, Dean Mlaenko, but if you’re as interesting as mixing paint, the fans aren’t gonna wanna see ya. It shuld go without saying that Morrison has this in spades. Everytime he does his slow motion entrance or hosts the Dirt Sheet, he has me cracking up in tears. The way he apes his namesake, Jim Morrison, and takes himself so seriously in a sort of self-parody is hilarious.

You can cheer CM Punk all you want, but I have a feeling the guy will enjoy a modest, Arn Andersn or Booker T sort of popularity: he’ll be over but never in that upper stratosphere. He’s got workrate out the wazoo, but he lacks that extra intagible that makes the fans connect to him. I’ve heard his heel work in ROH is brimming with personality, but until he brings that to the big dance, he’ll always be trapped in the mid-card, IC title reigns a-plenty. Hate to rain on the smark parade, but there it is.

Humor is often something missing from today’s wrestling landscape. Back in the Attitude Era, when the likes of D-Generation X and The Rock ruled the roast, you could crack jokes and be goofy and still be serious and back it up in the ring. That’s a fine line not a lot of wreslers understand how to walk: they go to either extreme, leaving the fanbase in the dust.

Remember RNN? Randy Orton’s news center to update us on his broken shoulder? His subtle touches and self-assured hamminess were a rare sight of amusemnet in an otherwise stale wrestling scene at the time. Yeas later he’s stepped up his game and developed a far darker, more serious character. Still, I feel comedy is an elemnt that could freshen him up and make him a little less one-dimensional.

John Morrison throws in a lot of subtle detals to his gimmick that keep me enthralled. The fact that he wears sunglasses at all times speaks volumes about he views himself as a rock star/prophet. His faux-stoic manner of speaking lends credence to his status as a wannabe-philosopher. His gaudy fur coats and the time he Bedazzled his stomach went unnoticed by many, but revered by the few who caught it.

With this in mind, let us remember that we don’t blog at the palace of wisdom. Here’s hoping the Shaman of Sexy gets a world title in a few years or so:

Monday night on RAW Batista made his big return, to everyone’s suprise and much fanfae. But there’s another contemporary of the Animal’s waiting in the wings to make his comeback. Someone that’s overlooked, undervalued, and oftentimes scorned for absolutely no good reason. That person is Mr. Kennedy.

The master of the mic himself has been out of the spotlight for what seems like an eternity. Injuries, bad luck, and even worse decisions have all contributed to this. But what I’d like to explore here is….is al that unfounded? And is it too late to see the brash platinum blond make a splash in the WWE ranks?

Let’s take a look at his debut:

You can see from the outset the guy is oozing with charisma. He had a fresh gimmick and an old-school heel. He was entertaining enouh to keep your attention but arrogant enough to get the fans booing. How many debut wrestlers can you think of that did their own ring intros?

Now let’s see where he’s currently at:

Now he’s screwing with a guy who had a losing streak (MVP is one of the breakout stars to me, but that’s another time) and plugging a movie. God, has he honestly gotten lame or what? The in-your-face swagger is now replaced by someone who seems like a stiff company man who plays to the fans and is concerned only with pushing his shitty action flick.

So where along the lines did he go wrong? Who knows. Much has been written about his fall from grace. A few years ago, when he won the Money in the Bank, he was the hottest ticket in wrestling. An injury forced him to relinquish it and after that he sat on the sidelines. Then there was the infamous “I don’t do steroids” interview, and wham, we find out it’s like he’s the lovechld of Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire.

A lot of the self-professed experts in the IWC have come down on him for that last bit. Lest we forget, some of their cherished idols weren’t exactly role models. Let’s go through the laundry list of the crown jewels of the smarks, shall we? Bret Hart cheated on his wife and is now, for all the tragedy he’s gone through, a bitter chronic complainer. Eddie Guerrero was a cokehead and an alcoholic who endangered himself and others by getting in a car accident. And then there’s Cirs benoit, who we won’t even get into (that’s right, I went there). How’s that for iconoclasm?

So keep in mind these are people, at the end of the day. They have their god and bad points. In the end, they are human. So KK slipped up. It happens. Who are we to judge that, regardless? It seems all the fans on the message boards hate him for no real, discernible reason. He’s a decent wrestler and he obviously has some mic skills to boot.

But much like JFK and others sharing his last name, it seems Mr. Kennedy has fallen on hard times. It’s noticeable t even the most ignorant mark out there that he’s obviously lost a step. Perhaps all those injuries have taken a toll on him. They mjght have even shaken his once-mighty confidence. In his time away from the main stage, it’s not that much of a stretch to think he may be reconsidering where his career’s going and if there’ll be a spot open for him in the future.

I, for one, would love to see him back in the mix. He has an interesting personality and I’d like to see him rise above the dark cloud that seems to be hanging ver him recently. So here’s to Mr. Kennedy……

……..Kennedy!

Larry the Cable Guy. I have one question to ask: why?

As in, why in the world is this guy famous? Why do I know of his existance? Why is he plastered all over my screen and featured in every trite and contrived comedy that comes out? Why do some many trailer park denizens slobber over themselves like he’s their fat, inbred messiah?

This comedian, to use that term loosely, is not funny. He bathes himself in cliche catchphrases, vulgar toilet humor, and by exploiting people’s prejudices without a hint of irony or sarcasm. Typically the enterainers who appeal to the baser instincts of the American public shoot into the stratosphere of fame. Demitri Martin scrambles to get a show on Comedy Central; this hack sells out night after night and charges out the ass for tickets. Is there no justice in the universe?

All the hillbillies that identify with him are worshipping a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Keep in mind that as you stare at him with his camoflague hat, goatee, sleevless flannel, and muddy jeans, that he is a millionaire. He is not one of you. Far from it. He probably lives in a nice home somewhere, and I’m sure deep down he loathes his imbecile fanbase. He’s a big con and he’s milking all of you suckers for everything you’re worth. Just because he performs onstage in  cowboy boots, doesn’t mean he’s of the working class. It’s a manufactured image. That’s the worst part about him, to me.

And the facade (bonus points to any residents in Alabama or Arkansas who stumbled onto this page through searching for Larry the Cable Guy and know what that word means….well, hell, bonus pints to you for even owning and knowing how to operate a computer) goes even further because he’s not even a real cable guy. His name’s not even Larry! The whole nation is enthralled with a ficional character! How come Superman doesn’t have his own tour across the country? Maybe I should go schedule an appointment with Dr. House next time I strain a muscle. You know how they say don’t quit your day job? Well, maybe Larry the Cable Guy can come insteall a dish network on my TV instead of being on it.

If I hear one more annoying ass redneck say “Git-R-Done” in that god-awful faux southern accent of his, I will get their life done. How come every time a marginally catchy or quasi-hilarious slogan is uttered the unwashed masses jump on it like a porn star tied up naked in the middle of Times Square? They raped Dave Chapelle of all his lines, but at least he was clever and insightful. Not only is Larry the Cable Guy’s routine unfunny, but I have to bear through re-enacments of it EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY.

Comedy is supposed to ease our guard by making us laugh, and within this merriment question what we know and hold up a mirror to ourselves. I’ve always considered the craft of stand-up akin to modern-day philosophy: paid to stand up in front of an audience and riff on the foibles of life. George carlin, Leeny Bruce, these were social critics. Now humor is used to reinforce old stereotypes and racist beliefs. While browsing through Wal-Mart, the white trash among us can find a voice in Larry: “You dang right! Them stupid towelheads!” they will yell while sipping from their beer hats.

If this is who is remembered 50 years from now as the pinnacle of satire, lord help us all.

Hello, friends and fiends. It’s your ol’ pal The Angry Cynic (TM) back with another adittion of some Cantankerous Chicanery. Ya know, I consider myself something of a Renaissance Man and an expert on all things. Like one time this dude was sitting next to me in my English class and he asked me, “Did the teacher say we have a test in here Thursday?” and I was all like, “Uh, yeah, I think he did.” See? I’m your personal sage for free.

With that in mind, I thought I’d share some wisdom I’ve gained over the years when it comes to that frightening realm of life so horrifying not even The Twilight Zone would explore it. Yes, that’s right….dating. Because chances are, if you’re taking the time out of your day to read this blog, you probably don’t have a girlfriend. And no, that blow-up doll doesn’t count.

So let’s check out The Angry Cynic’s “Tips On Getting Chicks”. (I’m not going to bother to do a version on how to pick up guys becuae, le’s face it, women really don’t need help in that categry. Not to mention most females interested in the Internet are either fat, ugly Naruto fans or raging dykes with funky dreadlocks. Ooooh, is the hate mail gonna pour in for that one….)

-Invite her over for a study session if you’re in college. This signals to her you are a studious, intellectual type. Women just love a man that uses his brain. Make it sound like something innocent, such as exchanging notes over an upcoming History exam. Set this up in the library or a coffeeshop if you have to. For added points, dress in a tweed jacket and wear thick-rimmed glasses. This has worked countless times for me, no matter what the restraining order may imply.

I don’t know what ya heard about me, but I’m a motherfuckin’ p-i-m-p…..

-Buy her things if you happen to get her out on a date. Offer to pay for her drinks or popcorn if you’re at the movies. In fact, pay for everything. Buy her a new dress. Women automatically secrete serotonin when you do this, which makes them susceptible to sexual advances. Even if she weakly stammers out, “It’s okay, I can pay for this” or “Really, I got this” or even “Goddamnit, I was going to buy those shoes with m own money” or some other weak shit, fork it over. Even if you have to foreclose your house. In fact, why don’t you just go ahead and throw money at them. This is known as “makin’ it rain”. Rappers have tried this approach with much success.

It has been scientifically verified by researchers in laboratories that women eat this shit up.

-Be sensitive to their feelings. Girlfriends often complain their boyfriends aren’t receptive to their problems or don’t pay attention. As an example, if she says, “My mom called today and she is so annoying. I still have a lot of unresolved issues with her,” make sure to reply “Aww, I’m sorry to hear that, baby,” before you remind to get around to fixing dinner. Or, if she complains about the same co-worker who’s been aggrevating her for the past month, let her know you’re in tune with her emotions by saying, “You want me to go beat that bitche’s ass?” She’ll be yours in no time.

Well, hoped these tips help. If not, there are other angles from which you can operate. You know how to get a hand on some chloroform, right?