Cantankerous Chicanery

Howdy, all. First of all, sorry I haven’t been blogging as much (to the two of you regular readers out there that care). I’ve been so swamped with school and trying to find a job and important real-life shit (not to say Today.com, an excellent blogging site if I do say so myself, *wink wink*, isn’t important). I’m also rather hung over at the moment, if that helps put this rant in context.

I just saw Nas last night and he was the shit. He really brought the goods to concert. I saw Lil’ Wayne at Vodoofest late last year and god did he suck. It’s telling a now-underground rapper was better than the popular one that everybody’s into. To me, Nas is real hip-hop.

Also, I just got an e-mail in my inbox from the advisor of my mkajor stating I was denied a poetry scholarship award. Even though I really can’t stand poetry and think it’s for wussy kids who wear striped sweaters and drink way too much coffee, I figured what the hell, might as well try to get my writing out there and get paid while I’m at it. This is even though I’m sure my poems were better than half of the arty goofs who probably wrote some imagist stanza about how they saw a leaf fall and this reminded them of the first time their uncle felt them up. She said they “wished me the best in all my future poetic endeavors”. This brought out a chuckle in me, as it sounded like Vince McMahon was running this contest. Christ, I watch too much wrestling. Anyway, enough about my rather uninteresting life. This isn’t Twitter, people.

Anyway, onto today’s topic. Recently I was browsing through the newspaper when I came across a little fella named McKay Hatch and a little idea he has called the No Cussing Club. Never heard of him? Have no idea what the No Cussing Club is about? Don’t care either way? Well, too bad, ‘cuz I’m about to school you on this dude:

“I am 14 years old.  I’m just a regular kid.  I like to play soccer, play video games, hang out with my friends, etc.  I started the No Cussing Club at my junior high school in South Pasadena, California in 2007.  A lot of kids at my school, and some of my friends, would cuss and use dirty language all the time.  They did it so much, they didn’t even realize they were doing it.  It bothered me so much that one day I challenged them to stop!  They were shocked.  They didn’t know that it was bothering me.  They didn’t even realize how much they were doing it until I said something.  I was actually surprised at how they reacted; they accepted my No Cussing Challenge.  But some of the kids said they didn’t know how to stop.  That’s when I started the No Cussing Club.”

Fascinating stuff from the kid’s website. Here’s a link: http://www.nocussing.com/home.html

The whole idea is he wants people to stop using profanity. Well, shit, the guy’s got a fucking point. I get so pissed off when some dumb asshole uses bad language I just wanna be all, “Dude, what the hell?”

I know crass behavior is leading to the downfall of Western society. The other day when I was driving and some guy cut me off in traffic and I shot him the middle finger, I guess at the moment it failed to dawn on me how that action quite specifically caused this economic recession we’re in right now. My bad, guys.

This is the viewpoint of every lame Mormon kid that got beat up in high school. Of course, Mr. McKay never really gives us a reason behind his disgust at what hye views as the more lewd aspects our culture. Who needs context when you can get all your life lessons from Howdie Doodie?

Beating your chest in a fit of self-righteousness isn’t going to do anyone any favors. This marketing promotion comes off as so cheesy. It really aggervates me when stick-in-the-mud moralists try to be all young and cool. For instance, ol’ Mitch tells us to chill out on cursing (or cussing or however backwoods people in boring suburban states pronounce it). Whoa, bro, you’re like so down. If I wasn’t busy shooting people in the ‘hood I’d ask you to come hang, dawg!

There’s even a helpful picture of a few thugged-out badassesapples looking all tough because THEY DON’T CURSE. I’m sure 50 Cent will bow down to these all-mighty masters of hip verbal cleanliness.

To counter here’s a picture of someone’s grandpa I have doctored to show everyone how liberating it is to use dirty language:

“I love me some bitches and hos!”

I think what Mitch McKay and other well-meaning word police are ignoring is the fact that there is a time and a place for profanity. I see profanity like a vacation: good, meaningful, and refreshing if used sparingly, bur when it’s over done it loses its charm. Profanity is a good way to help us release anger and express tension. Sometimes when you stub your toe, yelling, “Holy cow!” won’t do. I feel it loses it luster the more and more it’s overused When it’s brought out for special ocassions, it can serve a special purpose and social function, kinda like when they thaw out Dick Clark every year to have him host the New Year’s show on TV.

Sometimes I agree that vulgarities become all-too common in the natural form of human discourse. There’s only so many times I can see hear some wigger in a tanktop and backwards fitted hat say, “Man, that fuckin’ bitch was fuckin’ yellin’ in my face so I fuckin’ told her to shut the fuck up” before I decide, yeah, you’re not bad at all. It does get tiresome and this poverty of language becomes excessive to where you yearn for new, more poetic ways of expressing oneself.

But what a lot of controlling, conservative groupthink police are after is stamping out the negative aspects of human nature. And, well, sorry to say Theodore Cleaver, but anger and agression have been around since the beginning of history. You don’t think after Alexander the Great conquered all of the known world and began the spread of civilization to the rest of the known world, he stopped to announe, “I gotta take a shit, I’ll be right back!”

Words are only as bad as you make them. They’re simply that. Not bad, not good, just a collection of letters you string together. Let’s really look at this: fuck. What is inherently bad about that word? Is it the f? Maybe it’s the strange placement of the “u” in the middle. The vowel lodged right there in the median of the word does give it a nasty sort of sound as you pronounce it. Would I be fcked if I left out the u in posing this entry and risk getting censored?

Language is only as destructive as we make it. What if we were to replace “pussy” with “bat”? I’d be all like, “Man, I gotta get some bat tonight!” or “Quit being a bat and fight me already!” or “Did you see that girl stick that phone in her bat on that Redtube video?” Pretty soon we’d be talking about how Alex Rodriguez was stepping up to pussy at plate.

I’m just showing how it’s all subjective. Profanity is what you make it.

So fuck you, Mitch McKay. I won’t join you and your no cussing clause. Not that I cuss every day, far from it, but I just find this a pompous ploy for attention and a misguided solution to a problem that’s really not even that important. In fact, I’m going to start a “No No Cussing Club”. I challenge you, readers, to work in profanity every day. Even if you’re talking to your superiors at work. For instance:

Stuffy boss (probably some douchebag wearing way too much hair gel): Hey, did you get the e-mail I sent you.

Totally bad-ass you: Fuck yeah I did.

Stuffy boss: (pissing his pants now in fear) Excuse me?

Totally bad-ass you: Shit, I said I got it. So the meeting’s next week?

Stuffy boss: Clean out your desk, please.

See? Fail-proof scenario. Do me proud, prodigies.

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