Cantankerous Chicanery

Greetings, boys and girls (hey, what the h-e-double hockey sticks ae you kids doing viewing this blog? Get the f&#k outta here. This ain’t WWE, no PG rating here!). Today (like my hosting site ROFL LULZ) I thought I’d discuss something of interest to me. No, not videos of women sticking Sprite bottles in their twats, though those are nice to view when it’s a Sunday night and I’m bored and crying myself lonely.

No, I thought I’d bring up a wrestler more divisive and polarizing than Hillary Clinton in the middle of a yin-yang symbol. That man’s name is John Cena. With one mention of this main-event performer, you’re likely to either hear screams of approval or snide snickers of befuddlement (whatever that means). This depends on whether your’e asking a 6-year old mark covered from head to toe in his latest merchandise or some fat and balding nerd that’s sitting behind a computer screen with his homepage being 411mania. But let’s cut past both ends of the spectrum and take a true look at the man they call the Dr. of Thuganomics (I’m assuming “they” are Bob Backlund, Jesus, and Will Ferrell in a tutu eating a corn dog…..that’s just what I always imagine the default committee on anything to be.)

As my good and always helpful friends at Wikipedia (and Lord knows they’re never wrong) have let me know, John Cena debuted on June 22, 2oo2, responding to an pen challenge from Kurt Angle. From there on he wandered around the mid-card, a bland and directionless babyface, until one fateful Halloween broadcast he decided to impersonate Vanilla Ice and delivered promos in rhyme. The rest is history.

After that, he developed a hip-hop gimmick and became a ruthless and interesting heel. I remember these days the best, as he delivered numerous and infamous disses to the likes of the Undertaker, Eddie Guerrero, and none other than Brock “Yeah, I’m in UFC now and still alive” Lesnar (Is that a tattoo of your mother on your back? Priceless!). As the times turned, the fans began to respect his smart-ass style and charismatic sense of humor. Soon, the WWE found themselves with their backs against the wakk. With nowhere else to turn, they were forced to turn the young ghetto rookie face.

This, ladies and gents, is where the shit hits the fan. After a while John Cena lost what some viewed as his edge and increasingly pandered to the fans. The tides turned and the masses who so passionately voiced their opinion of him as he slandered John Ritter once now violently turned agains him. To say the crowd is split 50-50 on him is to make a slight understatement. Try as he might, Cena just can’t win over everybody. Da champ is n a slow rebound with popularity but is it too late too soon?

So, you’re asking, what’s my take on John Cena? Half and half. Here it comes: I don’t think Cena is Hitler incarnate like some in the IWC will have you believe. In fact, overall, I’d say I like the guy. He’s decent in the ring, his moves are getting more fluid and more crisp as he seems to feel more comfortable in his on-camera role, and he has solid mic skills and a modest presence. On top of that, the guy’s got an undeniable work ethic and a passion for the business rivaled by few. With Randy Orton making a bi-montly attack on the fans/hotel room and Hulk Hogan and Bbby Lashley and others (overpaid prima donnas former WWE stars) walking out the business, Cena seems like one of us: a fan who’s more than thrilled to get his time in the spotlight.

The IWC will always shit over whoever is the biggest face. They will suck Chris Jericho’s dick and skeet themselves over whatever undercard heel that’s being so tottally misused doodz they will never recognize the greatness of a main event good guy. It has always been the geek’s burden to cheer for the bad guy because they can relate to them: unliked, unpopular, out of step with the general public, a bit snide and overconfident, always arrogant and more assuming in their abilities than they truly are. These are the same people that when John Cena was just coming up on Smackdown, circa his brilliant 2003-2004 run, were pegging this kid as the next hot new thing and whining that he got always got jobbed out to Rikishi and Brian Kendrick. Now that’s popular and fighting for the side of all that is wholeseome and virtuous, it’s of course become the cool thing to rag on him and hate him.

But……and you knew this was coming……but I have a few qualms myself to pick with him. For all intents and purposes, John Cena is that dreaded b word (no, not /b/, although I’d consider that a dreaded thing as well): bland. Hnestly, sometimes when I watch him in action, I ask myself: “Why should I care?” Yeah, he puts on the FU…I mean, Attitude Adjustment (man, they’re really trying to shake off that whole Attitude era thing, huh?). He cuts promos about how to stand up and be a man and how he’s going to defeat someone and take his title. Yeah, when his rap theme hits he bounces around the stage like Jerry Lewis after taking one too many tabs. Yrah, he throws his hat out to the crowd and extends his pinkies. But why? Essentially, he has no motivation. When you look at it from a certain angle, he’s a bit of a one-dimensional, static character.

I’m nt one of those pricks who insists he develop some convoluted backstory ala Kane to explain his motivation. And I don’t think he should start speaking in poetic pentameter like Raven. Too often people try to complicate matters, and we need to remember this is not off-Broadway, this is wrestling. No less than I wince as I type that, because I wholeheartedly beleive there is a time and place for deep, complicated art. But with wrestling, it plays at our most base and direct emotions: anger, retirbution, revenge, fear, hostility. As such, it should be kept relatively simple. Yet not too simple.

I look back fondly at “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. This wasn’t a persona of convoluted Beckett-ish proportions: this guy wa simply pissed-off (emphasis on the pissed-off). There was a sort of “shades of grey” to his rather seemingly basic personality: he was enraged, he was tough, he was rugged and individualistic, he didn’t give a damn, and he did things his way. Or the Rock: he was a smooth-talking, articulate, jock comedian. While he was obviously cocky and conceited, he did it in such a self-assured and confident way that we couldn’t help but support him.

See? This is how wrestlers get over and connect with the audience. They have easily identifiable and distinct modes of thinking and being without bogging down the audience with multiple heel/face turns and cheesy and unbelievable origins (from the Bottomless Pit? Are you f’n serious?….) When I hear “My Time Is Now” blaring throughout the arena and the solider wanna-be comes charging down that ramp, I just don’t feel any of that with him. The blame’s not entirely on John Cena’s shoudlers, either. Some of it lies with the bookers (or creative or whatever the fuck Vinnie Mac wants to call them this week.)

John Cena is an  interesting hybrid of two past shining stars of WWE’s decades: Hulk Hogan in the 80s (that’s right, I mentioned him, go comfort yourself by cradling with your puroseu tapes, money boy) and Stone Cold in the 90s. He has Hulk Hogan’s do-gooder attitude and overly positive and optimistic (some would say a bit too optimistic) rapport with the fans.But he also has the Texas Rattlesnake’s loner attitude and rugged confrontations with authority. He’s like Superman going to a strip club. I’m sure WWE was hoping the “a little from column A, a little from Column B” formula would work for today’s era. sad to say, it hasn’t quite caught on.

This brings us to the most notable and controversial aspect of John Cena’s run. Not all of the fans in the audience are so quick to welcome John Cena with open arms. There are those in the crowd that *gasp* boo him! Not cheering for him, for God’s sakes! wrestling’s top cash cow! I think, in hindsight, and ironically enough, the Attitude era and the rise of antiheroes like D-Generation X and ECW contributed to this.

Fans are gonna cheer who they wanna cheer. Plain as day, simple as that. Keep in mind Stone Cold got to the top because WE wanted him there. They heard the chants of “Austin 3:16″ at all the events and then, and only then, did they give him the greenlight to be a World Heavyweight champion. The fans are the ones who wouldn’t accept the Rock’s original run as a face, forcing storylines to changes and causing him to turn heel (his new run which, in turn, caused us to cheer him and become face….what a strange world it is, eh?). After the nihilistic angst and cynical brutality of the NWO, Chris Jericho, and almost watching people getting embalmed on live TV, we’re not ready to go back to a normal guy who wants to win bouts the clean way because “it’s the right thing to do”. So perhaps WWE has shot itself in the foot by raising the stakes too high.

So what would I propose to do to freshen up John Cena? Well, I hate to jump on the smark bandwagon, but I say turn him heel. Sure, you’d lose out on a few T-shirt sales, but think about how interesting this would make RAW and freshen up the storylines. Besides, he’s getting rejected anyway, play on this (satisying your customer’s demands is a basic principle in business management and economics, after all). Have John Cena gradually acknowledge this and build it up, as he soon grows tired of being a corporate puppett and claims he’s ging back to his street roots. Have him bring back the bras knuckles and the padlock chain. Let him freestyle on his opponents before a match as well. Let him loose. I, for one, miss his early heel run and thought his white thug persna was a very underrated character creation.

I, along with many other novice pundits (boy, there’s a paradox if there ever was one, huh? Like a gay republican. Or a smart blonde. I kid, I kid…), wanted to and thought we would see an Orton/Cena double turn at wreslemania. Orton’s anotehr interesting young buck and he’s been getting his fair share of begrudging acknowledgments of popularity from the crowd. Alas, that was not to be. My hopes were dashed when Triple H made the hero’s return last week and dashed out to be the big, blustering hero and save his wife, in the role of the prodigal husband. Oh well. Vince McMahon now seems intent on telling us who to like and who to cheer for, instead of letting nature take its course and lisetning to his audience. We don’t want a superhuman babyface crammed down our throats.

All that being said, I generally do like John Cena and look forward to his matches. He has his moments when he’s funny but he also skirts the line into being cheesy (the “JBL is poopy” promo anyone?). It’s obvious he grew up as a fan of this business and loves the crowd, considering he grew up as one of them. It seems WWE wants him to, once again, be not only a wrestler but an all-around, well-rounded pop culture icon. As good as he can execute a bodyslam his acting skills leave a little something to be desired (then again, with a scrip like The Marine, I don’t even think Robert de Niro could salvage that one). Everything considered, he’s light years ahead of the fat chump that taunts you and can barely land an elbowdrop at your local indy fed (Disclaimer: I hold nothing against fat chumps busting their ass in backyard leagues. I realize all wrestlers, no matter how big or how obscure, bust their asses night in and night out for he thrill of it. Seeing as how my skinny ass has never stepped foot in a wrestling ring, I simply tried to—-and ultmately failed—-to make a funny joke.)

If worse comes to worse, he can always go back to his Prototype gimmick. Hmm, an emotionless, cold robot. Wouldn’t be much of a stretch for him. (Aaah, sorry, had to go for it. Again, I’m quite a fan and I actually like him. Just don’t think he’s the best thing since sliced bread…..or chapstick, for that matter. That shit’s pretty cash.)

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